If I could do just one near perfect thing I'd be happy...

'Cause I can't read your rolling eyes.

2007-05-23T00:50:15Z

Being home is a mixed bag.

I wanted to come home and not work. I wanted to not have to worry about cash dollars, and not worry about other people. I was so excited to have time to myself, and not have to put anyone but myself first, for the first time in a long time. I wanted to make lots of art.

That didn't happen.

I'm looking for a job...for a bit.

I'm constantly thinking about other people, and getting the same sick feeling that I can't seem to shake for whatever reason.

I haven't drawn or anything since I've been home.

I find it strange how little I actually know people. and it seems like everyone smokes pot but me now. That doesn't change my bias towards it, but it is disheartening. I thought I knew my friends, but I guess I'm not the only one who puts up a wall to keep people out.

And I don't think anyone will ever fully understand that, or why I do it. Maybe they won't accept it either. I remember talking to Morgan about it, and it gave me a sense of satisfaction to know that people thought they knew me, but had no idea I was keeping them at more than arm's length. I don't think I'll ever tell anyone everything. Maybe, unless I'm dying. But why burden other people with my shit?

I take on other people's baggage because I know I can take it. But I can't do that to other people. Not because I don't want help, or don't think they'd understand, but I just don't. (And I find it terribly eerie that 'Carry You' by Dispatch came on my iTunes, when I don't think I've ever heard it until this exact moment in time of typing this paragraph.)

I think the last few weeks of school I distanced myself from everyone I knew I needed to get away from. I think that sometimes I get too hostile, and thats always ever been the case. But I knew that I didn't want to blow up, for whatever reason. I'm sure it had something to do with not being home for 6 months, not leaving school for 6 months, always ever being around the dorms for 6 months. No escape. But there was a conversation I had with Morgan that left me weary about people I thought I knew. People who think they know what's best for me. I know from experience that people will always do what they want, what they need, regardless of if it's a good idea or not. I try to keep a level head, and think I do pretty well. But this conversation made me second guess how people percieve me, or how they think I should be living my life. And it pissed me off. So when Laura yelled at me in the hallway, I remembered that she knew what was best for me,too, right? I stepped away from it, the situation, and her. I couldn't talk to Morgan for a long while.

I thought it was funny, "We don't like you dating outside the group." to which I responded "Why the fuck would I date in the group? Am I even in this group?"

I pride myself on being someone who can ride the line between social groups and such, but never really commiting to one. Its better that way. No obligation.

No, that's not right. I'm obligated to do a lot of things, and to a lot of people. Regardless of being pissed or otherwise.

If this happens to me sporadically how can I keep doing what I'm doing? With RA shit, and next year RC shit, and down the line RD shit.

I wouldn't rather be doing anything else. I can't see myself feeling comfortable not being needed, by even a few people. I love doing what I do...and in some way I like what it does to me.

Atleast feeling like this I know that I'm alive.

I don't think I've felt otherwise in a while, but I've felt otherwise at somepoint before.

I'd rather be jaded than disconnected to the world.

But then again, that's what I'm doing, isn't it? Disconnecting. I assume it's disconnecting from things and people that I need to as of now. I can't talk to people for fear of feeling sick, or anger, or guilt, but for reasons I'm unsure of.

There's untapped creativity in my mind, and I can see it, and want it...but never obtain it or let it out. I don't know why, or how. But I do know that Its there. I cant decide if thats something I should be alright with, or not.

I am happy in my endevors. I don't think anyone ever really knows what's best for other people...He says, not feeling so sure about that statement.

Was it worth it, when it was over?

I never jumped in and rescued you... But I wanted to...

2007-03-06T23:44:55Z

I find it weird that I can't start an entry unless I find a good title. It just kind of sets the mood. Explains things.

Maybe not.

Aime gave me the entire Barenaked Ladies Stunt CD. I missed it.

I think I'm in a funk, of sorts. I can be completely happy when in the company of certain people. But if I see or talk to other people, I hit a rut. It sucks. I need this vacation like a coke fiend needs a fix. But I'm wondering if it's really what I need, or if I should just be doing something else.

Some days I want to tell everyone who gets under my skin to fuck off.

Some days I want to show people how much I can actually care. Compassion.

Some days I want to hide in my room and just waste the day.

Sometimes I want to create everything. I want a world of art to flow from my hands.

I never do any of these things.

I always say I'll do them, I'll make time for them. But I don't. I won't. I'm too busy. School work, RA work, Work-work, People, art-work, people, stress, people, people-stress.

I think I'll try to get a new AIM screen name. It would take people that bum me out right out of the equation.

But I probably won't.

I want to do a James Bond photoshoot again. And the Zombie one, and a Power Ranger one, maybe.

I want to create something fantastic. Worlds at war. Heroes. Antiheroes. Average people. Life. I want to do all of these things,I just haven't found out how yet.

But I'm in a life rut. I find myself not being able to talk to people I used to be close with, just because It bothers me so much. What does that say about me?

Then there's Jenn.

She's fantastical. She's good at Donkey Kong Country...but terrible at Mario Bros. Who's bad at Mario? Her. But shes pretty, and fun, and funny, and all these things. I want to tell her these things too, but when I try, I can't. Its goofy, and dumb. Morgan said the first part of relationships are silly. And thats the best part. Its all about being dumb. Its my favorite part. Its all exciting, even the boredom. Its neat. I find it hard to express myself sometimes, but it might be one of those things where I don't really need to.

An enigma.

I still find it hard to hang out with my old friends as much as I used to. I can't relate to them anymore. I still hang out with Joe, and we understand each other (when I'm not taping things to his ceiling). And Ashley and I are closer, Kevin and I are close, probably just as close as we were. Chris is still my constant, I think. I can tell him everything thats bothering me, and he gets it, and I get him. Its good. I'm still not comfortable with Amanda again, yet. Do I think it'll happen? Sure. I just can't right now.

People bring me down. Yet I need that connection to be me.

I want to save someone's life again. That's a purpose.

(I'm off on a rocketship
Prepared for something new.
I am scared of the things upcoming
And I want for the things I don't have
Cannot stand to be one of many
I'm not what they are
I am not to be martyred)

Tonight I'll show you how dreams are prepared, love, friendships, relationships. All those ships.

2007-03-03T01:41:48Z

Im pretty content, I think. I want to start writing again. Maybe Memento Mori, or the Uncloaked script. I'm not sure. Science of Sleep is an amazing movie, aside from the ambigious ending.

Trailer Park Boys is my new favorite TV show.

Jenn Anderson is my newest favorite person.

And I like how people react when I finally let them know what people I hate and How much I hate them. So much so that I was able to punch myself in the face. Thats always neat. But now I have a welt.

She makes me forget about everything else. If only for a little while.

I try not to make people sad, but it just happens.

Oh well. I found that thing I'm good at.

..Could be the trees that stand alone in the fields, They remind me every couple of miles..

2007-02-12T04:38:08Z

Somethings been bugging me that I've noticed over the past day or so.

People are acting different, like they know somethings wrong with me. And there is, sure. But it's them acting completely odd. I feel like they're talking about me, like people are dismissing me, or naysaying me when I'm not around. Like I did something personally to them.

I can't put my finger on it. But people are erking the fuck out of me.

I'm stepping lightly, for everyone else's sake.

I'm doing everything I can for everyone else, but not worrying about myself yet. I won't, not for a while.

I'll be pretty good at something, someday. What that is, I'm not sure.

This sick feeling isn't going away...

It's a long life to always be longing....

2007-02-08T05:02:08Z

Its been almost 5 months...or 6 months...if it hasn't, since my last entry.

Shit happens.

I drop off the face of the planet every so often. Like when I'm at school.

Whats happening in my life?

Single.

Meh.

Lonely.

Own a 360 and Wii, and a kickass new PC. Its called Cerebro.

Had the only healthy break up with someone, ever. It was crazy.

I'm an RA, and I think I'm pretty good at it.

I'm trying to figure out my life. What do I want? I want to be happy. I wonder if its loneliness that gets me down like this.

Maybe.

Where's jessica alba when I need her.

If I move slow, the moon'll let me go.

2006-07-14T16:14:18Z

I'm in one of those points in my life where I don't know what to do. I seem angry, but I'm not, or I seem sad, but I don't know if I am. Well, sometimes I am. I'm sick, so there's that. Fucking swell. I think I need school, for now. Sometimes I just feel like I should be looking into a bigger school. I think I need that. But then I tell myself, well, remind myself, that I hate people, so that doesn't work, now does it? Brody 3-d is almost over, and I can't help but think of other movies I want to do after this one. I keep finding myself thinking about what will happen after college. I'm not nearly talented enough to make it in the comic book feild, sorry. As much as it hurts to admit it, its true, I think. But hey, those who can't do, teach, right? And I figure there's a need somewhere for an art teacher with cool tattoos. But the thing I worry about is the situation I'm in with my friends. I barelly talk to anyone from school, Amanda and Chris, and Morgan, tops. Ryan, Jim, and Matt are always around, and Kristen never turns down a phone call. I can't help but feel like everyone is moving on to something good in their life, or their in some great situation, and I can't grow up enough to get into one. Or something. I'm aprehensive.
I had this conversation with Kristen that just shows how much we think alike. It makes me kind of feel awkward, because I feel like I'm readable, or its easy to tell whats wrong with me, for other people, but not myself. Where's the Gillman when I need him?
The conversation with Kristen was about reading too much into certain occurances, or events. I overthink things...Do people think as much about me as I do about them? Or, better yet, why do I think so much about people, and never just mellow out? How can I still be so high strung when there's nothing to be high strung about?
School can't come soon enough. I love hanging out with Kristen, and Ryan, but I need school to keep my mind of things, even if theres nothing to think about. I need a duty (ahah 'Duty'). I need to take care of people. I need other people to lean on, or to be able to go to and talk when I'm spazzing the fuck out. I need something constant in my life. Too much change can be hazardous to one's health. And you know me, I'm the Haphazard Anti Hero.
Morgan said this to me:
Come on man, you are your own super hero
kinda like, Punisher badass shell, meets Spider-Man's geekish charm, meets Superman's moral, meets Hulk's unpredictability. Constantly torn between moral and basic human needs. Always a little sad and seperated, cause you're trapped in your own hero-ness.
She says I have this super hero complex. She told me, while at school, and while dating katie, that it wasn't healthy. But Now I guess she figures that it's just me. And that people are attracted or interested in things that they relate to. Me? Comic books. Superheroes. The idea kind of goes along with my need for the RA job. That'll give me the fix of heroism I need. I hope.
A certain thought has been inching it's way into my mind lately. I want web shooters. Not like the fake, kid kind. I want like organic web shooters. I want to get up, and get away. The idea of being in a situation, or being pissed off, and just being able to go *Thwip*, and get away. Sure, I'm afraid of heights, but what the hell. I'd probably have to move into Syracuse, but if I could do that, I'd be fine. I wouldn't use that power for anything else but my own sanity. I can't help looking up at tall buildings, and finding myself sliding my middle finger and ring finger across the palm of my hand.
Weird, wild stuff.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

For twat's sake.

2006-07-09T21:39:14Z

Maybe I should only update when something bad fucking happens.

I'm so fucking livid right now.

Amanda and I broke up, and I'm not mad about that, we're just taking some time apart and stuff. We're still civil and all that good stuff. But my mom. My mother asks if were still dating. i say no. She goes off on me about how im basically some sort of whore. Keep in mind I've had 3 girlfriends. Total. All of which I dated atleast 7 months. I am a total hoe, right?

theres more, but Im fucking gonna kick something.

some help

2006-06-15T06:24:43Z

New tattoo, got that shit.
Anyway.

Need some help
Some suggestions
Maggie, Kristen, I'm looking for you two on this, specifically.
I need song suggestions for the Brody 3d intro.

Or brody 3d in general, but mostly for the intro

So far I got...

"Good Time" by Leroy
"Aside" Weakerthans

I keep coming back to the Leroy song though... Just feels right, I guess.

I hate rain.

2006-05-15T22:48:31Z

So, the rain is fucking bad. It's raining so hard in New England that theres a ton of flooded roads, and some roads are now cliffs. Luckily it isnt as bad in NY. There's no real way of telling if the floods will subside before then, though some news reports say it will. Hopefully it does.

I'm also currently looking for a job, and its a pain in the assssssssssss.

In other news, not only did I make RA, but I also made Dean's List.
People are gonna love to give me money.
Also got a new car.
1999 Green Oldsmobile Intrigue.

Things are never gonna be the way you want.

2006-04-25T16:02:43Z

Listen to that song, its a good'un.

So, I was thinking today, how I'm probably not gonna make it off too well in the real world. All this Taxes, and bills, and working. Oh fuck, the working. I'm not excited about this summer at all. Working smerking. I hope i get a job at a bookstore, a Barnes & Noble, or some shit. No video store, factory, or wal mart job for me.

I kind of left the last entry off on a cliffhanger of sorts.

-What's gonna happen to Ken's mom?
-Did Ken get the position at Castleton School of Art?

Find out next time, same bat time, same bat channel.

Well, fuck. I hate cliff hangers. I'm the posterboy for America in the sense that i want shit faster. I think I'm in the wrong hobby when I read comic books, cause waiting a month for a conclusion, or, more often than not, another cliff hanger, that's dumb. I cheat, I buy graphic novels. I read spoilers. I'm the sonovabitch who doesn't care how they do it, but wants Venom in Spider-Man 3. So fuck you guys.

Don't judge me.

Anyway.

My mom? Shes fine, A-O-Fucking-K. Lymph node tests came back negative for cancer, shes energetic, all that. Shes coming to visit me this weekend, for some leadership appreciation dinner at the school. Bollocks. I'm gonna say that more often, Bollocks.

The job of Resident Assistant for the semesters of 2006-2007? Yeah, I got that. You can now call me by my proper title, Ken "Brody" Harris, RA.

I'm really worried about life after college. Paying bills.

Oh god, a real job. Teaching.

I hope I can teach.

That shits easy.

Gaaaahhhhhh

Oh. I forgot. I had a gallery opening recently, as well.

Amanda, myself and Mattasaurus on our way to the show.

I call this piece, Plank.

Burnt bibles and all.

I think it's trying to tell us something.

I'm jumping.

If I could open my mouth wide enough for a marching band to march out...

2006-04-01T03:50:14Z

The new Deathcab album is pretty good. So good infact that Ryebread and I are using some songs in Brody 3. Marching Bands of Manhattan and so on.

It's been a bit since I updated, I reckon.

What's been up with me? Well, I'll tell you, because I feel the urge to write.

Spring break was last week, Joe and Amanda came with me back home. It started off alright, until Monday, when my mom told me that Friday she'd be going in for surgery on her lung. It turns out she had a growth on her lung, and the doctor wanted it out. So, that put a damper on the week, cause, here's me, the chronic worrier, and here's one of the people I care about most, one of the people that I need, that I'm actually dependent on. She's the reason I'm where I am now. Friday came, slowly, and My sister and brother, and stepdad, and even Amanda went in. The surgery was at 7:30 AM...was supposed to last 2 hours...11:30 came round and Dave (stepdad) and I were starting to get worried. The doctor came, and told us. It was Cancer. He took out the upper lobe, taking out the entire mass and the healthy tissue around it. That went fine. But they also took some nodes to test her lymph nodes for cancer, incase it spread. The results havent come back yet.

Maybe that goes along with 'No news is good news', or maybe it is bad.

Either way, right about now, I'm tweaked. I'm trying to not let it get to me, trying to not let it bog me down. But it is. Slowly, but surely.

People wonder why I hate smoking, well, it could be the fact that it ruins every little thing. My mom smoked for 2 or 3 years, and quit 15 years ago. She got the shitty end of the stick. I can only imagine what shape my dads in.

I'm scared.

I have my RA Group Interview tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.

I feel...Uneasy. And I have no idea why. There's the thing with my mom, but theres something else entirely. Maybe I'm scared about something else. Maybe I'm scared about the Amanda and Me thing because of Katie, who fucked me up hard core. I have no idea. I shouldn't be, but I know she screwed me up like no one else did before.

It seems like I can't get through anything without wanting to take care of someone, without feeling like i have to take care of someone.

Its what I do.

New icon

2006-03-12T02:14:36Z

Check it out. From Hills Have Eyes, an utterly disturbing movie. But when the main dude starts kicking ass, AKA Pyro from X2, its fucking swell. Thats what the clip is from.

Icon made by mclachlan , with images i had to sift through.

Noone likes Billy (From Power Rangers)

2006-02-21T00:08:33Z

He blows, basically.

Like I do.

I suck.

But more specifically, Katie sucks. I hate how she made me feel, how shitty I felt for an entire semester. I'm happy now, hell I was happier just hanging out with my friends here, single, happier than I was with you. I want to take this time and basically say fuck you.

Fuck You.

Build God, Then We'll Talk.

2006-02-13T02:41:48Z

I pretty much hate Kristen for getting me to like certain music. Most of the music I got into can be trailed back to her somehow. Just like everyone is somehow related to Ghandi. And Hitler. But thats another story for another day.

It's been an alright few weeks, and by alright I mean pretty good.

Matt and I have basically the coolest teacher ever for Figure drawing, also known as the class where you draw naked uggos. Also known as the place where anyone with some weird body malfuction can get a job. But its an amazing class. For some odd reason matt and I have a Man Crush on the teacher, in a totally plutonic way.

Speaking of man crush...

My roommate Joe and I have a Gay Meter going between us, to show how gay he isnt and how gay I am.

I think we're actually tied at 7. SOmething like that. 10 being straight, 1 being gay.

Carnivale is an amazing show. Period.

Not the bloody gross kind.

I think I'm done drinking. Who needs it? Yeah it was fun once in awhile, but fuck it, seriously. I don't think any good has come from alcohol in the passed few months. That may come from dating someone who was dependant and emphasized how much they -needed- to drink.

Fuck that.

I'm beginning to think I was very fucking dumb. I'm not making the same mistakes, not again.

I'm pretty sure Amanda is a step in the right direction.

When i say pretty sure, I mean positive.

Played the Crab Soccer championship, my team won. My team consisted of Myself, Joe, Josh from upstairs, and Dale (RA) in the goal. Josh and I could be found at the root of how we won. Joe also scored a point, and hurt the other goalie.

Only shortcoming? I think I sprained my foot.

Let's make this moment a crime.

2006-01-28T07:00:37Z

Alright.
College is in full swing.
Semester 2.
I was so jaded about the first semester, left home, left the girlfriend... I didn't enjoy it...
I do now.
I love it here.
I love the people here.
Not to say I don't miss home, I do.
Things are better here. The weight is gone.
And theres this Amanda chick, totally fucking adorable.
Anyway.
I'm healthy, you'll be glad to hear.
Or disgruntled.
Either/or.
Tattoo is healing weird I think...
I've been saying "Mayhaps" a lot lately.
Got into a car accident
And I'm typing with ONE HAND CAUSE MY OTHER ONE WAS SEVERED IN THE WRECKAGE!!!!!!
Or not.
But the car accident did happen.
4 people, 4 of my chester cats, one being me, in Joe's car. Hit this skirt (female) going 40, cause she stopped short, i assume.
Everyone was fine
but I cant help to think what if the car wasn't some little low to the ground car? If it was a semi or something, some of us, or all of us might have died. Considering the way the accident happened. Makes me a little sick... Scares me a little.

Anyway.

Creature from the Black Lagoon is a classy fucking flick, lemme tell you. Got the Legacy Collection, and fell in love. Even snagged a poster of the Creature from a comic shop....same night of the accident.

need a haircut...

Give this shit a readthrough:

Thank you for tuning into Ex-Tribulations Theatre....

SillyBroccolli34: your inconsiderate and i can't find a single reason other than the fact that i love you to ever talk to again
(That statement doesn't seem to make much sense...)
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: I cant think of a reason of why id want to talk to you

Auto response from SillyBroccolli34: getting drunk in the burgh!

(This away message made me feel positive about the night that was instore...)

SillyBroccolli34: well thats great
SillyBroccolli34: thanks
SillyBroccolli34: thank you for that
SillyBroccolli34: after eight months, and you promising me that you'd be my friend, thank you. thank you so much.
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: You said it first
SillyBroccolli34: i said i love you

(After the whole...not talking to me thing...)

ChEwMyInteStiNeS: fine
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: whatever
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: im an asshole
SillyBroccolli34: no, stop
SillyBroccolli34: ken
SillyBroccolli34: i just wish you would call
SillyBroccolli34: ie, now
SillyBroccolli34: you said you would
SillyBroccolli34: and you never do
SillyBroccolli34: ken i want to be a part of your life but you won't let me
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: not now
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: no
SillyBroccolli34: you said, you said you'd be my friend
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: i will be
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: but not yet
SillyBroccolli34: when
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: i dont know
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: when im fucking ready
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: not now
SillyBroccolli34: thanks
SillyBroccolli34: i was worried sick all night because of your away message. you could care less. i love that i have to wait to be your friend. you don't get to dictate my life. its not nice or fair. you're inconsiderate. i changed my life for you for months and that means nothing to you. its not right. you promised you'd call. you PROMISED. so thank you. thanks for making me feel used. i hope youre proud. i would be your friend if you weren't so spiteful and mean. GROW THE FUCK UP.
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: are you fucking kidding me? Are you serious? Used? Fuck you, Katie. Fuck you. You were an idiot, you put yourself in shitty situations, and even after bad shit happened, you went back. Its fucking stupid. Im not putting myself through that again, ever. Yeah, we can be friends, when i feel i dont have to worry about you. You cant tell me to grow up. You need to learn how to stay out of dumb fucking situations. But maybe thats just what you want to do.

(Maybe that was all uncalled for...)

SillyBroccolli34 returned at 12:49:08 AM.
SillyBroccolli34 signed off at 12:49:08 AM.

Then, an hour later, it was followed by this:

sarahw287: your a fucking asshole
sarahw287: i almost wish you were dead

(You and me both, Sister!)

sarahw287: this sarah's boyfriend

(I meant 'Brother')

sarahw287: you are fucking scum
sarahw287: how could you possibly say that kind of shit to a poor little girl like her
sarahw287: you are a weak person
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: thats cool, almost as much as getting lied to for 8 months.
sarahw287: lied to ok
sarahw287: you are fucking scum
("lied to ok, you are a fucking scum"....Amazing segway action.)
sarahw287: and a horrible writer

(Oh man, my literary genius is questioned! ...Wait, where the fuck did that comment come from?)

sarahw287: if you could see how see is right now
sarahw287: who could deserve that?
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: Are you fucking kidding me? I didnt blame her
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: I didnt even say that
sarahw287: then why is she saying it

(The drinking may have something to do with that...)

ChEwMyInteStiNeS: I said shit happened, and she went back to situations like that
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: what the fuck ever

There was a brief intermission...Interrupted with this:

sarahw287: you are still a fucking idiot

(See, its supposed to be established that I'm already an idiot.)

sarahw287: why would you drag something lioke this out
sarahw287: at one point in your life you said you cared about her
sarahw287: if you still do you will leave her alone from now on
sarahw287: shes better off without your scum ass
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: im trying.
sarahw287: then do it
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: Shes the one whose been trying to talk to me...I think Im trying very well...
sarahw287: then why did you IM her tonight?
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: I didnt...
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: SHe IMed me
sarahw287: then why did I watch you do it
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: Are you fucking retarded?
sarahw287: no I am not

(So sure, yet I doubt the sincerity...)

ChEwMyInteStiNeS: She IMed me first
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: Then
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: I stopped talking to her
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: and she IMed me again, and said she couldnt find a reason to keep talking to me
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: And thats what started that one
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: Im well aware of how it occured
ChEwMyInteStiNeS: If she doesnt want me to talk to her, fine. I wont, I wont reply, or answer thephone. I'm completely content.
sarahw287: whatever man
sarahw287: just sataya way from her

(I think he was trying to spell 'Santana,' cause that guy rocks.)

sarahw287: its the best way

(The best way, aparently, but for what, I'm not exactly sure...)

ChEwMyInteStiNeS: Its becoming incredibly clear that that statement is true, And I am trying to avoid her.

And that ends out session of Ex-Tribulations Theatre....

Anyway.

I'm glad Amanda is a cool girl, cause when the name Katie is mentioned I get into a "Fuck it" mood....Thats not too good.

Give it some time, and I'll let you down too...

2006-01-22T19:08:40Z

Hm...........

So, let's do a rundown...

No girlfriend, at moment.
Katie and I broke up.
I don't think there's a damn thing wrong with me.
How do I feel about the whole thing?
Fine.
Well, in a sense....
There's a weight gone from my shoulders, and I'm not worrying at all.
I'm better, so people say.
I don't need to be attatched to my laptop, or cellphone everynight.
The cellphone thing...
There's something amazingly calming about forgetting my phone now. I'm not waiting by the damned thing, waiting for my OLP ringtone to kick in....
No more of those horrible calls coming in at 1 to 3 am.
And finding out things that you didn't know for 6 months, thats fucking sweet too....

Brodyfest 1.0 went off without a hitch. And once some boring moments were passed, it was pretty fucking fun.

I'm back at school....
Its becoming very clear that I'm pretty much alone. For now, it's kind of ok.
I just miss having someone in the bed to crash with. If that makes sense...

Saw Hostel....Go fucking watch it.
Watching Better off Dead....One of the better Cusack flicks.
Bought The Creature Collection DVD, it has 3 creature from the black lagoon dvds.
Also bought Batman Animated Vol 4....Badass
A Zelda jacket.

Oh..........
And a Tattoo...

So this whole alone thing.....Hopefully it works for the better...

'Treating illnesses is why we became doctors.Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable'

2005-12-27T06:27:53Z

So... It;s a few days after Christmas....How was yours? Let me know, comment, you bitches.
Anyway.
I got a bunch of DVDs,
-Scrubs Season 2
-Mystery Science Theatre 3000: The Essentials
-MST3k: The Brain That Wouldn't Die
-MST3k: Eegah
-MST3k: I Blame My parents
-House, M.D.: Season 1
Got a box, a BOX, of Ninja Turtle candy cigarettes. With fake tattoes.
Ninja Turtle toys
Shadow The Hedgehog for gamecube
A few shirts
Bought myself Serenity on DVD too.
Ninja Turtle Leonardo Christmas Ornament
I'm overly bored.......

The world has turned and left me here.

2005-12-09T04:38:53Z

I haven't thought about this for months.

I haven't felt like this in a year.

I'm so sick.

Fuck me.

2005-10-16T06:43:42Z

....Always when something goes wrong, right?

Fuck God for spite.

The New Avatar...

2005-10-16T03:30:37Z

It's the green ranger

Does he lay awake, listening to your breath?

2005-09-20T03:43:36Z

New icon. I thought it was hysterical.

Whats new?

Well, Ill tell you.

Nothing.

Good fucking update.

Joking.
but seriously, no update.
Not much has changed. Im still oddly bummed. It gets easier as time goes on. I dont know if its like, not caring as much, i dont think it is, but I just dont know. I want to not worry, but i cant help it. It's helping me to know im still alive.

thats what i need.

and katie.

hmmm

2005-09-17T08:00:23Z

Soooo, yeah.

A heads up.

If you're worrying about me: Don't.
If you aren't: Thanks, asshole.

Ha.

But seriously. I'm fine, really. Even if I'm a bit sad, worried, or depressed. I bet I'm no where near as bad as those little fucking psycho-faced-snatch-faced bitches, and emo-fags from Hot Topic.

I watched Chasing Amy tonight, and it kind of depressed me a little. It never did before. Specifically this line:
It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level or never be enough for her or something. And what I didn't get was that she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me, for the Bob. But by the time I realized this, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now.

Anyway.

Soooo, college.

Hows it working out for everyone else on the planet? Those kids who went away from home, those kids who were too afraid to leave?
Me? Fucking dandy. No, seriously. I love it here, -love- it here. But at the same time I fucking despise it. Given the obvious reasons, Yeah. But the people are great. No one here wants to see me die, or fail, or worse. Not like in high school. Christ.

Hows that for a slice of fried gold?

(Someone catch the Shaun Of The Dead reference?)

Watch me stutter step and fall...

2005-09-13T04:38:37Z

I find it disturbing that the same guy who made Desperado, Sin City and Once Upon a Time in Mexico made some movie called Shark Boy & Lava Girl.But I digress. So this whole college thing....yeeeaaahh....Deffinately sucks balls. Ive said it before but for some strange reason it feels like Summer camp, and I jus cant go home.

Ive been keeping horrible hours, staying up till 4 am, waking up at 9. Most of all because of Katie..Just talking.

I went into the hallway to get some water and the RA Kevin picked me up, mind you its 12 am, and ran me down the hall saying i was getting a swirly.

College is fun........

Wake me up in October.

2005-09-07T04:26:33Z

This is for everyone who reads this, for everyone who needs this, its for me too. But here it goes.

Richie:
Your entry with the pictures of everyone who left, yeah, that sucks. Thanks for the depressing entry. I'm sorry everyone left, but Ive come to realize that we'll be back sooner than you think. November isnt too far off, but it seems that way. We'll all be home. Vacations are longer. Youre one of my best friends, so Ill be sure to stop by, maybe even surprise you. If for some reason youre worried about us being gone because you think we'll forget you, don't. I wont ever forget you.

Kristen:
My Sarcastic twin. Squishington. I wish I knew what it was you were thinking sometimes. For someone who got me out of my depressed state a while ago, it sucks knowing youre unhappy now. I feel like I owe you one. I know its missing Jim and your family that hurts. I cant say anything you havent already heard. Jim'll be back in october, which is almost here. This could be the longest month of your life. But when you see him, time will go by so fast. Do everything you can to spend every second with him. Because if and when you guys part for school or what not, it'll hurt. More than ever. Its like a tease. But believe me when I say it'll be worth it. Every second of your happiness will be worth the heartache youre feeling.

I always thought it was some big joke when these movies and kids bitched about college being hard. It is. Not the classes, but it sucks. It might get better. This could be the biggest test of your life. This is getting you ready for something. Its getting you ready for the real world, the real heartache.\

Fear and Loathing in Chester (vegas)

2005-08-31T00:43:40Z

At school. My roommates are cool, and I keep meeting new people, and theres barelly anyone who isnt nice. But its already aparent I'll be in a single group. And it'll be like high school, ill have my close friends, and know everyone and be nice to everyone. So Im ok. Just lonely.blah blah, I know, in Ed's words, ala Shaun of The Dead: "Alright...gaaay."

Miss my family. Mom, and...well, her. Dads around, its just weird.